Tuesday, July 26, 2005

jokes : Fly with Qantas for laughs


From: Mei Lin Chan [mailto:chanmlzzz@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 19:18
To: Mei Lin 's pals
Subject: Fly with Quantas for laughs

Gee these are funnee.... 'ave a laugh mates!!!!!
G' day to ya!!!!

Only in Australia.........
> > >
> > >All too rarely, Australian airline attendants
> > >make an effort to make the
> > >in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
> > >announcements a bit
> > >more entertaining. Here are some real
> > >examples that have been
> > >heard or reported:
> > >
> > >On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior"
> > >flight attendant crew, the pilot
> > >said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
> > >cruising altitude and will be
> > >turning down the cabin lights. This is for
> > >your comfort and to enhance the
> > >appearance of your flight attendants."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure
> > >to take all your belongings.
> > >If you're going to leave anything, please
> > >make sure it's something we'd
> > >like to have."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
> > >but there are only 4 ways to
> > >leave the aircraft."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
> > >at Auckland, a lone voice came
> > >over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
> > >WHOA!"
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >After a particularly rough landing during
> > >thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
> > >flight attendant on a Qantas flight
> > >announced, "Please take care
> > >when opening the overhead compartments
> > >because, after a landing
> > >like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard
> > >Qantas Flight X to Y.To operate
> > >your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
> > >buckle, and pull tight. It
> > >works just like every other seat belt; and,if
> > >you don't know how to operate
> > >one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> > >unsupervised."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
> > >pressure, masks will descend from
> > >the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> > >and pull it over your face. If
> > >you have a small child travelling with you,
> > >secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are
> > >travelling with more
> > >than one small child, pick your favourite.
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees
> > >with some broken clouds,
> > >but we'll try to have them fixed before we
> > >arrive. Thank you, and
> > >remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than
> > >Qantas Airlines."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >"Your seat cushions can be used for
> > >flotation; and in the event
> > >of an emergency water landing, please paddle
> > >to shore and take them with our compliments."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very
> > >hard landing in Hobart:The flight attendant came
on the
> > >intercom and said, "That was quite bump and I
> > >know what you are all thinking. I'm here to
> > >tell you it wasn't
> > >the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
> > >fault, it wasn't the
> > >flight attendant's fault... it was the
> > >asphalt!"
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> > >than perfect landing: "We ask
> > >you to please remain seated as Captain
> > >Kangaroo bounces us to the
> > >terminal."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >An airline pilot wrote that on this
> > >particular flight he had
> > >hammered his ship into the runway really
> > >hard. The airline had a policy
> > >which required the first officer to stand at
> > >the door while the passengers
> > >exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
> > >flying United. "He said that, in
> > >light of his bad landing, he had a hard
> > >time looking the passengers in the eye,
> > >thinking that someone would have a smart
> > >comment. Finally everyone had got off except
> > >for an old lady walking with a
> > >cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a
> > >question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What
is it?"
> > >
> > >The little old lady said,
> > >"Did we land or were we shot down?"
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney,
> > >the Flight Attendant came on
> > >with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
> > >your seats until Capt. Crash
> > >and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
> > >screeching halt against the
> > >gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
> > >and the warning bells
> > >are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
> > >pick your way
> > >through the wreckage to the terminal."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> > >announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
> > >flying with us today. And, the next
> > >time you get the insane urge
> > >to go blasting through the skies in a
> > >pressurised metal tube, we
> > >hope you'll think of Qantas."
> > >
> > >--------------
> > >
> > >A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport.
> > >After it reached a comfortable
> > >cruising altitude, the captain made an
> > >announcement over the intercom,
> > >"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
> > >speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop
from Sydney to
> > >Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have
> > >smooth and uneventful flight.
> > >Now sit back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY
> > >GOD!" Silence followed and
> > >after afew minutes, the captain came back on
> > >the intercom and said, "Ladies
> > >and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
> > >earlier, but, while Iwas
> > >talking, the flight attendant brought me a
> > >cup of coffee and spilled the
> > >hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
> > >front of my pants!" A
> > >passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing.
> > >He should see the back of mine!"

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